matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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