This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
