Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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