I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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