Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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