Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I AM VODKA MAN
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
