I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
