It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
