i think my tv is drunk
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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