don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
