but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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