no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
