The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
