bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
