you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
