Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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