Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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