His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
