so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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