I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
