You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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