I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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