I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
