Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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