from now on my penis is your penis
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Couch. On fire.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
