Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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