youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
