...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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