she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
