Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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