Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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