I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
