Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
sarcasm needs its own font
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
