You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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