I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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