I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
