My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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