turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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