how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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