ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
