if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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