last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
