I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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