Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
