Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
