I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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