no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
