Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
