He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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