Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
