YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
