i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
